Bakit Ka Walang Jowa?

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I was never lucky when it came to relationships. I was cheated on, catfished, abused, ghosted, and devalued. I'm not saying I was the perfect and saintly girlfriend. I did have shortcomings. And since I started dating around at a very young age, oftentimes, my decision makings were rash. I was impulsive, immature, and naive. However, I did my best to make my partner feel special. I put my partner's happiness first before mine. I was not jealous. I try to get along with their friends and family. It was always me who put more effort into making my relationships last, and I gave second chances more than I should have. Somehow, I was always stuck with losers who shower me with adoration at first but then put me through hell when they realized that I truly loved them. Perhaps I inflated their ego too much and they started to think that they were too good for me and that I was replaceable. Perhaps it was my fault for not learning my lesson and settling for less. Perhaps I was too nice. Perhaps I valued others too much I forgot to value myself. Funny enough, when I finally gave up on a relationship, they would beg me to take them back. I don't give up on people easily, but when I do, I make them regret taking me for granted. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, fuck you!

I remember my last boyfriend, the father of my daughter, asked me, "Will you love me forever?." And I answered, "I will love you as long as you won't change." We all know how that ends. I'm in my 30's now. I have a kid. And I had been single for 5 years already. I don't go out as much. Nor do I meet new people. I just keep to my small circle of friends. Yet somehow, I still manage to catch the attention of a few married assholes, and some few jerks who think that single moms are desperate. I do have crushes, and a few nice people showed interest and tried to get to know me. But I don't entertain them. I guess I finally learned my lesson. I'm not as beautiful as before. I'm no longer fit, though I'm trying to be. I'm way past my prime. But still, I'm no longer settling for less nor am I going to "follow my heart." The heart is deceitful after all. Only fools rush in love and I had been a fool too many times.

Most of my closest friends are getting married, if not married already. Oftentimes they would tease me that I would never get a boyfriend if I don't go out. And it doesn't really bother me that I stay single. In fact, I prefer being single. I had gotten used to it. Now that I am a mom, it doesn't sit well with me the thought that someone else other than my daughter might need my love and attention. When asked when I plan to start dating again, I would often tell them that I'll date again when my daughter is older or if I had enough savings to secure her future. If someday I get married, that would be great. If not, then I'm fine with that. Either way, I still live. I had loved but it didn't work. But I am not bitter about it. I'm a bit scared and somewhat traumatized, but it's just that I'm not going to prioritize a man anymore. I'm not going to date around without marriage as the end goal. I don't have time for that shit. I don't have love to spare right now. I'm too busy loving myself and my daughter. 

Kung tinatanong mo kung bakit wala akong jowa,

kasi hindi ako crush ng crush ko!!!

If you're asking me why I'm single,

it's because I'm not my crush's crush!!!

Kidding!

It's because I chose to stay single.

Perhaps someday I might find love again. Who knows.

For now, I'm fine.