Adore. Part 2.

 

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To love is both a weakness and strength.

To fall in love is to be vulnerable.

To love, but not be loved in return, is pain.

To love, but to not be able to show it, is misery.

Writing has always been my way of coping. When my mind is a mess and my heart is bothered, but my mouth cannot speak, then I write. Again, I am in one of those situations where I desperately need to quiet the chaos in my mind. The past days, I wanted nothing more than to cry in someone else's arms and just pour out all my confusion and pain, but I have no one...

My best friend often says that it's good to have someone to love. And I agree with her. It's good to have someone to love and to have through the good and bad. A few years back, I had set my eyes and my heart on someone. I showered that person with adoration. I made sure that he felt appreciated. Sadly, his heart was set on someone else. To support him as he pursued someone else was actually heart-shattering. Day by day, as he grew more in love with her, I felt my colors slowly fading away. But I knew I didn't have a place to say anything. As his friend, I should be happy when he is happy, even if it's not with me. 

And I had accepted that. As weeks, months, and years passed, slowly but surely, I was able to let go and move on. Or so I thought I did. But it was something that my best friend revealed to me that made me realized that, all along, I was wedging my foot between the door that was meant to be closed. She told me that he confessed that had he known me earlier, he would have chosen me. At that moment, all the feelings that I thought I had let go of came rushing back all at once. I was happy because I was loved too. I was sad because he still chose her. She treated him like shit but he still chose her over me who did nothing but valued him. I feel angry because I felt like I was only "second best." I feel resentful because his love is a "first come first serve basis." 

I don't want to be the spare tire. Yet here I am, smiling like a fool whenever his name appears on my phone. Thinking of "what if's" and "if only's." I am hopelessly stuck to this folly. 

Perhaps it wasn't our time. Perhaps it never will be. But if one day she would leave him, I would be there for him, either as a friend or more. But that's just wishful thinking.