Mirage: A Christian Love Story

Chapter 1

“Are you ready?” he asked as he started his motored bike.

“Err, I guess so.” I replied as I positioned myself.

It was a Friday afternoon, just around 3. He told me he was going to take me somewhere I would like; but anywhere would be fine with me as long as I’m with him. I pretended to enjoy the view, anything to distract me from my delusional thoughts; but to no avail. Everything about him fascinates me. His smell, his face, and the way he talks, the way he smiles his peculiar but warm smile, even the way his tussled, brown hair seemed to dance as we drove against the wind. Like he even needs any of it? His presence, alone, is overwhelming. And I can’t help but feel so guilty; guilty for wanting a brother in Christ, knowing that he isn’t the one God had planned for me. So many times God had rebuked me, yet so many times I also pretended that there was nothing wrong. But this time, it is clearer than. I know that I have to move on. But I don’t know if I could or I even would.

“You’re unusually quiet today.” he pointed out.

“Ah. Yeah. Sorry.” I stuttered. It’s pathetic how I always believed in “Honesty is the best policy.” I now take that back; most of the time, it’s better to just be quiet, to be quiet and keep everything for myself. Like what a friend told me before, that there are just some season where even if you feel so much and want those feelings to flow out into words, it’s still wiser to just say nothing and let God handle everything. I probably sounded like a complete idiot to him but he never seemed to mind. But the silence helps a little though. That way, I wouldn’t have to struggle that much. That way, I would be able to control myself. That way, I wouldn’t burst out and suddenly confess to him that I am insanely in love with him. But then I always have that feeling that I probably was too obvious, or maybe he is just that polite to ignore my foolishness; to ignore it like any typical good friend would do, I think. I should accept the fact that I am but a friend to him and nothing more, to imprint in my mind that he is my brother in Christ. But every time I’m with him, I feel like I’m about to explode; like I just want to let these feelings gush forth without restraint, no matter what the cost. I always am the risk taker, but I would never want to take any risk with our friendship. I wouldn’t want anything to change, especially not with him. And I just can’t help wishing that he would have been anything else but my best friend and brother in Christ. I wish he were just another stranger that I wouldn’t be remembering, or perhaps a celebrity, that it’ll be clear to me that all I can ever feel for him is admiration and not this wretched love.

Perhaps this is hell, my own personal hell. God take me now!

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Chapter 2

“Ha! You really must be head over heels with that guy!” he snorted.

“What the heck are you talking about?” I snapped back as I felt my face flushed.

“See, you’re so defensive. I must be right then.” he said smugly and I saw him smirking from his bike’s side mirror.

“Whatever. That doesn’t prove anything. You’re the one who’s so into deep with some girl!” I retorted.

“Hey. This is not about me now!” he said with a frown.

“See, you’re so defensive. I must be right then!” I said trying to imitate his voice; and we both started to laugh. I felt my heart raced again as I realized how close I was from being caught. I saw him wiped his eyes dry. He really must have found it amusing. Whoever that girl is, she is so lucky. So lucky to caught his eyes, to be the one that he thinks of last at night and first in the morning, to make his ice cold heart beat. So lucky that the guy in front of me, who has a servant’s heart that beat for Jesus, wants to be with her if it’s God’s will. Jealousy, this is probably it. But what right do I have to be jealous; I am just a friend after all. I don’t own him. What more, I should be happy for him if they finally become a couple. I should be happy that he is happy, be happy that the love story that God fashioned for him is coming to its start. I wish it were just me, but I’m certain that it’s never going to be me; I wish it were one of my best friends. At least I could be happy with that. I think.

I fixed my eyes on his reflection on the side left side mirror. He looked focused, as if he was thinking of so many things. He started to hum a song, one of our favourites. He then meets my gaze through the mirror but I didn’t turn away, instead I looked intently into his eyes, they were worried and sad. He stuck out his tongue at me and smirked, but that didn’t fool me, still I smiled back. His eyes always make me wonder what he is always thinking.

“She’s a lucky girl.” I finally said.

“She doesn’t even know.” he said in an amused tone as if he was finding something about my question very funny.

“What’s so funny?” I retorted.

“You are!” he said with a grin.

“What?” I snapped.

“You always do say what’s in your mind, don’t you?” he pointed out.

“I may, I may not. So? Will don’t try to change the topic. I want to know who that girl is.” I said as I glared at him through the side mirror.

“Hey, I know nothing about that guy so you shouldn’t be asking me about this girl.” he said sternly.

I felt my heart sunk when I saw him looked away with a serious expression on his face.

“Sorry.” I apologize, bowing my head as I said the dreaded word. I was glad we were driving, that way he wouldn’t be able to see me face to face, I swear I would had cried!

“Hey, it’s okay.” he said, his voice returning to normal.

“Someday, you’re going to tell me who that girl is!” I said, my head still down but my voice was determined.

“And someday, I’m going to tell you who that guy is!” he said. I looked at his reflection. He was looking at me with the same amused look on his face as if enjoying a private joke.

“What!?” I snapped but he just laughed.

This is freaking sick!

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Chapter 3

“Are we there yet?” I asked impatiently.

“Patience.” was all he said. It was already 15 minutes since we had left and the places we were passing by were already unfamiliar to me. After a while we were off the road and all I could see were huts, trees, and people staring at us as we passed by. I could smell the sea in the wind and I had the sudden feeling that I should have worn knee length shorts instead of this annoying denim jeans.

“We’re heading to the beach aren’t we? I asked, with no humour in my voice.

“Patience.” he said with a smirk. He always does try to teach me patience. There are times that I do get convicted but most of the time it just annoys me

“You should have told me, I would have worn something appropriate!” I insisted.

“We’re here.” he said cheerfully as the bike slowed down to a stop. I went down the bike at once, refusing to let go of the issue of proper attire. I stretched my arms and my back the moment my feet landed on loose ground, sand. I looked around expecting to see something special, but there was nothing. I could see a fallen tree, dried up palm leaves, more sand, and a long stretch of wall that blocked the view of the sea.

“Wow, wonderful.” I said sarcastically.

“Haha!” he threw back the sarcasm and headed to the wall. I tagged along, struggling for balance since I was wearing the wrong foot wear. He started to climb the wall and I watched intently at the places where he placed his feet and hands so that I could copy him.

“Come on.” he invited as he reached the top.
“Okay, I’ll try.” I replied as I tried to copy his moves. He offered me a hand but I pretended not to notice it. I probably looked awkward and he’s head probably hurts now, trying to stop himself from laughing.

I let out a huge breath as I finally made it to the top, wiping the sweat on my forehead with the back of my hand.

“So, what do you think.” he asked. I looked at him, wondering what he meant. He was looking towards the sea’s direction. I followed his gaze. I felt my jaw dropped as I stared at the view. There before my eyes were perfect hues of blue in the horizon. The still, dark blue sea mirrored the peaceful light blue sky with its lazy cotton clouds; all tinted with the sun’s golden orange glow.

“Beautiful.” I sighed in awe.

“I know.” he said as we continue to gaze at the glorious view.

“If I had one super power, I’d like to have control of time.” I declared.

“Hmm, interesting, and why is that?” he asked

“…so that I could sleep longer.” I said with sarcasm and presented a wide grin. He remained silent as if he was waiting for me to continue. “…so that I could make moments like these last longer. Dramatic.” I continued. He laughed briefly as if he wasn’t expecting those kinds of words to come out of my mouth.
“Don’t worry, we’ll see something more awesome than this in heaven, Jesus and His glorious majesty.” he said and smiled as he turns his head towards me.

“Ah, God take me now.” I exclaimed in almost a whisper and smiled as I continued to gaze at God’s beautiful painting.

“If I would have a super power, I’d like to know what everybody is thinking.” he smirked.

I felt like there was a surge of electricity that ran up my spine and I felt my face flushed again. Imagine what horror it would be if he would be able to know every delusional thought in my head, not to mention the stupid arguments that I have with myself, the questions I often bug God with, and every stupid wishes that I have.
“Does he know that I like him?”
“What will happen if he finds out?”
“Will he be avoiding me?”
“Does he enjoy my company?”
“I wish he likes me too.”
“I wish I could hold him.”
“I wish he’ll hold me in his arms.”
“I wish he were mine and I am his.”
“God, is these feelings from you?”
“God, if these aren’t from you, I pray that you take them away.”
“God, please tell me what to do.”
There are so many things in my head that just keep running in circles and just won’t go away.
“Don’t you think that’s a bit scary?” I asked.

“It’s totally cool! Imagine being able to know everything that your beloveds want and being feared by your enemies!” he defended with a soft chuckle.

“Since you put it that way, it is kind of cool; but don’t you think that knowing everything is also very boring?” I pointed out.

“We’re talking about humans here. Sometimes, human don’t usually do what they are thinking.” he said.

“Are you talking about reaction formation?”

“Is that what it’s called in psychology?”

“Yeah, but still you’ll know what that person is really thinking, right?”

“But then it won’t be boring since that person really isn’t acting what she wants.” he said in confidence and yet somehow it made me feel that he was pointing me out.

“Whatever.” I finally concluded, getting lost in the conversation. But in a way, I knew what it is about, about what it really likes to feel something so strong within you yet showing the complete opposite of what you really feel. You refuse to be honest about it because you want to preserve who you are, because you know that what feels good doesn’t always mean that it’s right, and because you know that God wants you to be still and trust him in that situation.
I often pray to God that He would help me die to my flesh, but now that it’s happening, I wished I’d never prayed that prayer at all. It hurts, a lot. And I wish that someone would shoot me now. I would consider it a huge favour!

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Chapter 4

It was almost 5, almost the end of another day, almost the end of this dream.

“Do you have peace about this girl?” I asked, but I didn’t look at him.

“Why those kind of question all of a sudden?” he asked as he suppressed a laugh.

“I just want to know how to pray for you?” I replied and then look his way to smile at him.

“Really, you have been praying for me?” he asked, surprised.

“Yes, I have been praying for you. You are my brother in the Lord, after all.” I replied.

“Thanks. Well, I’m still waiting for God’s timing.”

“I’ll be praying for you, bro.”

Perhaps this is how it should be; to see him as whom he really is, my brother in Christ; to know what he truly feels so that I can have a reason to let go. Let me rephrase that, so that I can finally have a reason (which I can understand) to let go. I am indeed unfaithful to God. How can I stubbornly hold on to my futile desires when all along I know what God has been telling me to let go? Denial, that’s what it’s called. It seemed so small of a thing but could screw up everything. Or maybe because I was deafen by the screams of my heart that I can no longer hear God’s gentle whispers.
“How can I pray for you?” he asked.

“Well, I’m letting go.” I replied.

“What?! Don’t let go, just move on but don’t let go.” he exclaimed. I wanted to hit him on the nose that very instant for saying those words.

“…because if I won’t let go, I will never be able to move on.” I explained.

“Does this mean that you have no peace regarding the guy?” he asked.

“I realized that he is more like an idol. I need to let go of him that I may be able to give God my whole heart.” I said. He just looked at me and smiled. That was enough for me. I don’t want him to ask so much so not to worsen the pain that I was holding in. I forced a smile in response and he turn to face and admire what was left of the beautiful scenery. I stared at his beautiful, young face. I felt a fang of anger inside of me. I felt that God was so unfair. He knew that I longed for a friend that I would be able to get along with so well, and he answered that desire, and that friend was sitting next to me that very moment. But why did he allow these feelings to grow inside of me when all I ever wanted in the first place was friendship. God was unfair and selfish; just like any other human being tend to be. But God isn’t human, He is God. He is the beginning and the end, the creator of all, the saviour of humanity, and the King of kings and Lord of lords. Perhaps, it’s my entire fault, my fault for entertaining those feelings too long. After all, He never breaks something to ruin them but to straighten them.
And now, I have to let go and move on and everything is never going to be the same again, at least to the external view. But if losing that friendship will draw me close to God, I will let go. I just pray that God will hold me tight that I won’t break into pieces. How I wished that I could really control time that very instant. How I wished I could stop time and just cry, let everything out so that the moment time runs again there’ll be no more pain, to face him not with hurting but sisterly love, and no other feelings, to genuinely say that I am happy for him, and that I am happy and contented with God alone. But I know that it doesn’t work that way, after all healing takes time and when time stops, you won’t be able to move on. And I know it will take heaps of patience, but I know God will be faithful.

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Chapter 5

“Ready?” he asked.

“Yes.” I replied and stood up. I felt like I was answering two questions that very moment.

It was already 5:30 when we headed towards his bike. The air was getting cooler and I could already see some stars appearing. I always loved twilights, because it puts an end to the busyness of the day; but I also hate it in a way, because it also puts an end to the day itself.

“I know what you feel, I’ve been there. Just don’t worry about it too much. Daddy [God] will take care of you.” he said as soon as I mounted his bike.”

“I know that. I’m just hurting right now. I was kind of excited for my own love story.” I retorted.

“But this is your love story. It’s a love story that you alone can own. What’s more amazing is that it is sealed and marked by the hand of the Almighty. God is your lover. And the moment you realized that it’s more of you than of Him, you are willing to let go of everything so that it’ll be all Him again.” he said.

I was glad it was starting to get dark, that way he wouldn’t be able to see the tears that were swelling on the corners of my eyes. The tears helped a little though, the more tears that were swelling up, the lesser I was able to see him. The more he seems just like a mirage. A glimpse of what my heart wants but I will never get and will refuse to have because I chose to have what my heart really needs, Jesus.

And I know that this decision will never give me a happy ending because with my God there in no endings, only a happy eternity.